Well, okay maybe not the latest. The latest is having fake weddings for the media’s sake. But certainly, a popular yet disturbing trend is the “celebrity sex tape.” Every time some fallen star feels insecure about the amount of media coverage they aren’t getting, rumors start trickling about a “secret sex tape” that “somehow” got “leaked.” Years ago, said videos would be hard to find, but this is the Age of the Internet, and thus the video is going to be EVERYWHERE. Usually such a tape doesn’t really exist, but the mere possibility is enough to get everyone’s fingers a-typing. If said celebrity did actually have such a tape, and it did somehow “leak” (read: handed to a friend for “safe keeping wink wink nudge nudge” then guaranteed that it’ll show up within the first few entries of a Google search within an hour of its “release.” Ironically enough, this is what the celeb is counting on – as soon as the rumor surfaces, they know damn well that the media will be all over it, and web message boards will be full of horny young people demanding links to said sex video. Suddenly the celeb’s name has gone from the top 100 searches to the top 5. The celeb is back in the news, and their name is on everyone’s mind (in more ways than one.)
This naturally begs the question, why the hell is everyone filming themselves fu-errr screwing? What’s the fascination with making sure your dirty deeds are preserved for posterity? Are these celebrities so vain that they want to be able to watch themselves over and over again? Or is this now the new plan – as soon as you pair off with someone, make sure you “accidentally” set up a video camera, then tuck that tape away someplace safe (really safe.) Then in a year or so when you’re not a media darling anymore, you whip out this tape and make sure it gets “accidentally” given to the wrong person, so it can be “leaked to the net.” (You may remember back when Tanya Harding tried to get back on everyone’s good side by releasing her sex tape. The problem there was that her video wasn’t released, it escaped.)
So, let’s welcome Britney Spears to the Media Whore Club. Ex-husband (like that was any surprise – as soon as they got married we all started calling him the future ex-husband) Kevin Federline now has what is being called “blackmail material” – a hot sex tape of Britney before she got fat and dumpy looking. Lo and Behold, we have the motivation – Britney’s not as hawt as she once was, so she’s going to release a tape of herself from back when every guy with a pulse was drooling over her. Forever preserved in the form of pr0n, wankers everywhere will be able to watch her over… and over… and over… and relive those magic days when she was strutting her stuff on stage – back when she had something worth strutting. She’s not the brainless idiot everyone takes her for – she knows that this will get her back on everyone’s mind. Will it revitalize her career however? Her last CD didn’t do so well, she’s not the top of the charts anymore, and people have pretty much moved on. Oh, wait, she’s got something up her aaaaa–errr… sleeve. Hey everyone look, I’m NUDE! Yes, you all wanted to see me naked for ten years, well here they are! Maybe Britney should go talk to Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, and see how much their careers were reborn after they posed. Sure, the world stopped briefly on a dime, all the guys who worshiped them back in the 80’s went “Ohhhhhhhhhhhmigawd” and Playboy sold a couple million copies. Did a nice pair of boobies help their singing? Not so much.
Remember ladies, men are visual – we don’t care if you can sing, but if you have a nice rack, we’re listening. Er, watching.